I can’t stand these fucking people with these fucking family window stickers on their cars a murderer is gonna come into your fucking house and you’re gonna try to hide your kids in the fucking closet and he’s gonna be like naw bitch I saw your fucking mini van I know you have six more kids where are they
Being an adult is realizing that $5,000 is a lot of money to owe and very little money to own.
this is real
my little cousin got bit by a house spider and she was crying so i went to get some stuff to soothe and numb it but before i could even walk out the door i heard her quietly whisper ‘i can’t handle the responsibility of being spiderman’
go into a starbucks in NYC and say very loudly into your phone “this movie script is stale and trite! we need some new talent, someone with a fresh outlook” and wait
what parents probably think school is like
*asks mom if she can buy something for me in september*
"no christmas is coming"
A guy once told my lesbian friend that being a lesbian is a huge turn off for guys and that she’ll never find a boyfriend.
late night breakdowns are my speciality
when ur friend dont hate the person you hate
"i’m not white i’m greek"
And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling kids and your talking dog
This needs to be in the next movie please